Is non-attachment a key to healthy relationships?

Introduction: I have previously argued that occupational therapy has existed for thousands of years within Hindu/Buddhist health models[1] and we have recently seen techniques from Buddhism feature in occupational therapy research[2]. This blog entry reflects on how the Buddhist principle of non-attachment might be applied to romantic/sexual relationships.

A difference between love and desire: Recent discourse in the Authentic Tantra Facebook group has turned to objectification[3]. There are gender-related differences in how we tend to do this[4]:

“its just bare basic fact, im gonna spell it out for all those lovely retards weve allowed onto uea
really good looking = enough said
low self esteem = more likely to go for men below her league and stay with them plus hand out cheeky blozzas more often than a girl with esteem”[5]

“I know a lot of us are depressed cause we all wish Edward was real
and he is (of course) the perfect guy
do you think there is a guy like him out there?”[6]

The first quote above typifies masculine objectification of women (at least in modern Western societies), whereas the second reflects romantic objectification of men that seems to be a socially accepted feminine trait. To suggest the latter is any more moral or valuable than the former is to imply that the masculine objectification trait is less acceptable than the feminine objectification trait, thus imposing an occupational injustice on masculine people.

In material existence, wherever desire is associated with attachment, objectification results and we impose false conditions on our ‘love’. Attachment is ultimately incompatible with altruism. This is what distinguishes real love (universal compassion) from desire. For example, if a man is attracted to a woman solely on the basis of aesthetic beauty, his feelings may change as she ages and the conditions of his desire are no longer met. This has very little to do with compassion and is based solely on desire, which unfortunately, is confused with love in general society. Similarly, a woman attracted by romantic gestures, protection, or the ability of a man to provide is likely to experience romantic dissatisfaction if his social circumstances change. This has nothing to do with compassion either. So, temporarily suspending our disbelief and stepping into the illusion of duality between good and bad, we could say all objectification of living beings is bad whether romantic or aesthetic/physical.

Maintaining suspension of disbelief, within Maya (illusion), being desired and objectified is a source of material ‘power’. In my less scrupulous days I exploited women that objectified me, and similarly it is easy to see women exploiting this phenomena almost anywhere you look, on a spectrum from free drinks to all-out gold-digging[7], or through more honest money-making which has enabled some women to accrue considerable wealth[8, 9]. Unfortunately sexual attraction has been designed to optimise procreation and is therefore based on competitive principles. It is natural for women to flaunt and seek to optimise their beauty while men also strive to optimise their social status. This is a feature of the very fabric of Maya so to hate it, is to hate nature itself. One might as well hate lions for being carnivorous. Some try to defy nature, be it by bleaching their teeth, cosmetically enhancing their breasts or sacrificing work-life balance in pursuit of increasing wealth and social status. Misfortune awaits these people.

"Since the human body is regarded as an abode of deities, it is the responsibility of the practitioner to protect the body from the causes of harm, disease and premature death and to foster the conditions which support an active and unencumbered life up to the natural exhaustion of the lifespan." [10: page 153]

Others, perhaps being bitter, try to restrict their competitors’ opportunities for success, be it by denying them their right to flaunt it (anti-heterosexual feminism) [11], or earn it (communism). Even more ignorant are those that try to recover the power they surrender through the objectification process by taking their ‘objects’ with force[12]. I hope all of these people find peace, but I fear they may be looking for it in the wrong places (outside themselves instead of within).

Applying Buddhist principles to relationships: So, how can one apply the principle of non-attachment to ‘romantic’ relationships, and what are the benefits of this? I have applied principles from yoga practise to my current relationship with good results, and this is how I am doing it:

1. Altruistically, following dharma (destiny) one will not actually seek anything, but instead develops contentment for things as they are. This translates into not seeking a relationship.
2. When the Universe (God) presented my girlfriend to me, several signs suggested that perhaps we should be together, but instead of pursuing a relationship, I just let it happen.
3. Now that she is with me I see every moment she gives me as a gift from the Universe (God) and I worship her for it.
4. I know that as the Universe gave, the Universe will take away, because nothing material is permanent. Even if my girlfriend chooses to stay with me, we (as we know ourselves in our unenlightened state) will eventually be separated by death. My girlfriend may change her mind about who she wants to be, or how she feels about me at any time, but my compassion for her does not depend on her feelings, behaviour or any sense of permanence in our relationship. Without applying this principle people find it difficult (if not impossible) to love their enemies.
5. While striving to be a better person, I will not change myself just to keep my girlfriend, because such motivations could take me away from dharma.

Neither of us have any cause for resentment, because we are not trying to change each other. Do you think this approach could work for you?

V

References
1. Mailoo V.J. (2007) The Ayurvedic Model of Human Occupation. Asian Journal of Occupational Therapy 6(1): 1-13 Available from: http://www.jstage.jst.go.jp/article/asiajot/6/1/1/_pdf Accessed: 15:55 12/11/2009
2. Thompson B. (2009) Mindfulness-based stress reduction for people with chronic conditions. British Journal of Occupational Therapy 72(9):405-410
3. Jenkin S (2009) Why Almost All Tantric Masters In UK(London) Are Females? Available from: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?v=app_2373072738&ref=ts&gid=2228760751... Accessed: 8:04 12/11/2009
4. Venth (undated) Gender role blurring: has it reduced or increased occupational risk? Available from: http://www.metaot.com/blogs/venth-3 Accessed 8:15 12/11/2009
5. Whitmore M. (2009) heard in a seminar - "she's the best combination, no self esteem and really good looking”. Available from: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=114573370093&ref=ts Accessed: 14:04 12/11/2009
6. Edwards I (2009) Do you think there is a real Edward out there? Available from: http://www.facebook.com/posted.php?id=2242954687&start=170&hash=47cde489...
7. Elder M. (2008) Russian women make gold-digging an art form. Available from: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/1924963/Russian-... Accessed: 16:08 12/11/2009
8. Price K. (undated) Available from: http://www.katieprice.co.uk/ Accessed: 16:12 12/11/2009.
9. Jameson J. (2008) Zombie Strippers! Available from: http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.ListAll&friendId=1403... Accessed: 16:17 12/11/2009
10. Jinpa T., Coleman G., Dorje G. (2006) The Tibetan Book of the Dead: First Complete Translation. Penguin Classics, London
11. Mailoo V (2009) Whatever happened to sensible feminism? Available from: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?v=app_2373072738&ref=ts&gid=2228760751... Accessed: 12:16 12/11/2009
12. Mailoo V (2009) Respond clearly to unwanted sexual advances from spineless cocks. Available from: http://www.facebook.com/notes.php?id=514766405&start=10&hash=9f0efdd6d48.... Accessed: 14:20 12/11/2009